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Q&A: Dating

Q I recently read you book Finding and Keeping your soul mate. I enjoyed it a lot and I have a few questions. I recently was in a relationship with someone for many months, who told me
that we are on the same page in everything but he doesn’t love me passionately. I am so devastated by this, and having a hard time moving on. What is the right approach?

Thank you,

Q I wanted to thank you for the shiurim they help me gain clarity and understanding.

In terms of shidduchim, I really liked the Mr. Potato Head analogy. I understand that Hashem has a certain person in mind, and that we should be looking for him, instead of the imaginary person we are all creating in our minds. However, that left me feeling that we should just go out with anyone, and if it feels good, then we should go for it. I understand that we have to do our research, and that he has to “pass” the “Paper Test” in terms of hashkafos, goals….. but there could be many, many people who match up to the paper test.

Once again, thank you I learned so much from the shiur and I am extremely happy that I heard it.

Q I have a question pertaining to shiduchim and I was wondering if you were able to perhaps give some insight on the matter. I am currently dating a girl and BH things are going well so far and things are beginning to get more serious. There is one thing that bothers me but I’m not sure if it should and if it’s even something I should worry/care about. I come from a fairly large family and spend basically all the yomim tovim with my entire family. We are extremely family oriented and very close knit. The girl on the other hand, is an only child. I am worried that this may greatly change the dynamic of the way life has been. I would assume that her parents would want to spend every Yom Tov with her since they would otherwise be alone. This would be hard on me because I rarely spend Yom Tov away from the family and even my married siblings join us every year. Other than family, I’m not sure if there are any other issues that may arise from a shidduch between people from two very different backgrounds, but right now that is really the only one that comes to mind.

Is this something I should be worried about, or is it something that should be overlooked? Everything else about the girl seems ok; I am just worried that I didn’t do enough hishtadlus on the matter.
Thank you for your time.

Q Can I get your input on the following: Whenever I’m redt a shidduch I will do a google search on the name & see what shows up. If for example the girl has posted a picture of herself on her facebook account that is publicly visible to everyone, I would pass on her & not look into the shidduch since I am looking for a very modest girl & would not be comfortable if a girl post her picture online as it conflicts with my feelings of modesty. Am I shooting to quick? Or not? Is there a different perspective? Thank you

Q I read with interest your article on dating. Unfortunately very little of the frum world actually follows it. The whole concept of shidduchim in the religious world seems to have spiraled out of control. We have seen the following anecdotes:

1. Someone would go out with a young man, because she saw his father wearing tan pants.
2. A mother broke up her son’s shidduch because the girl was from an out of town community, the mother didn’t prefer.
4. The shadchan asked about the color of the tablecloth, or whether there was plastic on it.
5. A girl wouldn’t go out with a young man, because his parents had a labrador retriever
Can you shed some light on this?

Q I just read Finding and Keeping Your Soul Mate—it’s great. Thank you for writing it!
-Later in the book when Rabbi Shafier discusses the process with finding shidduchim, it mentions that the ‘bashert’ test is when one feels comfortable with whom they are dating with, when they feel like things are going right. But isn’t it possible that a person could feel fine with someone, but know that the shidduch won’t work out because the two of you have totally different views on life? I have friends who have very different outlooks than me, but that’s okay if are just spending time together. If this is the guy who is supposed to help me raise my kids, and the guy I have to bring to
family simchos it just wouldn’t work! Thank you so much for your time

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