Too Smart To Get Married

I got a call from a fellow who said, “Rebbe, you have to help me.” “Sure, sure. What’s up?” I replied. “Well, I was set up with this girl, and I think that I’m going to fall for her.” “That’s great. So what’s the problem?” “What’s the problem? That’s the problem. She’s not what I’m looking for! I want a girl who…” and he went on to list the “Miss Potato Head” qualities that he…






Infatuation Is Not A Sign That She Is Bashert

A young man gets engaged, and his friends ask him, “How did you know that she was the right one?” “I knew it the minute I saw her,” he answers. “I took one look into her eyes, and I was gone. It was like rockets on the Fourth of July.” What this young man is describing is infatuation. Infatuation isn’t a sign that she’s your bashert. It is a sign that you are attracted to…






The Bashert Test

The Bashert test consists of meeting this person and determining if he /she is the right one for you. But this is the mistake that so many people make: The reason you meet isn’t because you are looking for “the best girl in Brooklyn” or for “the person with the best middos.” Nor are you searching for “the person you want to spend your life with.” You are looking for the person who was chosen…






The Paper Test

GETTING IT ALMOST RIGHT Mark Twain used to say the difference between almost the right word and the right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug—a mighty big difference. In a similar sense, the difference between the way people date and the way they should be dating is often worlds apart. THE PAPER TEST The Paper Test is done before the two meet. Ideally, before anyone has seen anyone and certainly before…






Bashert Doesn’t Mean That It Has to Be

Imagine it’s Rosh Hashanah. I’m standing in shul when suddenly a loud voice booms: “RABBI!” “Yes…” I meekly respond. “I HAVE BEEN SENT FROM HEAVEN TO DELIVER A MESSAGE.” “Yes, yes. Tell me. Please tell me. What is it?” “THEY SENT ME TO TELL YOU THAT THIS YEAR, YOU WILL MAKE A MILLION DOLLARS.” “Oh my goodness! A million dollars! Wow! Wow! Thank you.” Now that I know my fate for the year, I say…






The torah system

What is the Torah system for finding a spouse? The answer begins with the understanding that Hashem wants us to lead happy, productive lives. Hashem wants men and women to create loving, solid homes. And so, Hashem selects the ideal person for each individual and guides us to that person. Our role in the equation is to do our hishtadlus (effort). We use the system that Hashem has set in place and do our part…






if it weren’t hard enough

What really makes the notion that a young woman is capable of choosing “Mr. Right” absurd is that it denies a fundamental reality. Hashem created men and women to serve distinct roles, and therefore, He made men and women different. Not different marginally or incidentally. Different in almost every imaginable way. They are different in their natures, outlooks, and values. They are different in the ways they approach life, objects, and relationships. They are different…






Matchmaker make me a match

A CLOSE CIRCLE OF FRIENDS When my wife and I were newlyweds, we took up an informal study of marriages. At the time, my parents had a close circle of friends, eight couples who got together regularly. We studied each couple to try and discover the “secret” to a happy marriage. After a while, we compared notes and found that we had both reached the same conclusion: each couple was mismatched! Couple one: She was…






Creating mr. potato head

The shadchan says in that singsong voice, “So, tell me, what are you looking for?” And out comes the laundry list. “I need someone who is extroverted, funny, and outgoing.” “I need a woman who is very frum, tolerant, and kind.” “I need a bachur who is a take-charge type, strong but not headstrong.” The lists are long, and the benchmarks are detailed and specific. This is what I need. This is what I would…






Some things are better off left to hashem

I want to present you with a challenge. You have six months to find the perfect roommate. Here’s how it works. You can choose anyone you want, but once you decide on this person, that’s it. You’re stuck—no changes. And here are the conditions. From now on, you and your roommate will do everything together. You will go to sleep and get up at the same time. You will drive the same car. You will…






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