I know What I Need

Often when involved in a dating situation, a young man or young woman will say:

  • “Yes, I enjoy her company…”
  • “Yes, I look forward to the next date…”
  • “Yes, it’s getting better…”

But….I know what I need.”

  • “I know who I am.”
  • “I know what I need.”
  • “I’m not willing to settle.”

If you find yourself in a situation where you feel that you “know what you need”, and you find it difficult to trust HASHEM to have brought the right one, when you know clearly that you need something different, then you might want to focus on a few problems with your conclusion.

1. I’m the expert on me

We have the attitude that “I’m the the experts on me.” The problem is that is rare to find an eighty year old, who fundamentally understands his inner nature, and can predict properly how he will react in a situation that he has never been in. Assuming that you are in your twenties or thirties how well do you know yourself? How many different life situations have you seen yourself in that you can accurately predict how you will react and what you need in a completely foreign situation?


2. We humans are blind to ourselves

And even if it were true that you have the inner wisdom to understand your nature and what you need. We humans are flawed by our bias. I may be able to accurately assess you—but when it comes to me, I become blind.


3. How well do you know the opposite gender?

Men and women are different in nature, temperament, and interests. They read different books, they talk about different things, and they enjoy different activities. They are so different you would almost says they come from different planets.


So even assuming that you know yourself, how well do you know the opposite gender? Are you able to translate your needs and desires, into the langue of a different world, and find the corresponding one from that world?


4. How well do you understand the institution called marriage?

Everyone is an expert. Every 18 year old, knows exactly what’s needed to make a marriage flourish. Yet, if you press these “experts” you quickly find the relationships, and what makes a marriage work isn’t simple at all. As wise as you may be, assuming that you haven’t been married for at least twenty years, and assuming that you haven’t worked with many, many couples in the context of a marital  advisor, it is highly doubtful that you really understand what you need in a marriage.


5. How long do you intend to be married for?

Forty year? Fifty years? How well do you know what you will be like in forty years? How well do you know what interests you’ll have then? How well do you know what type of spouse you will need then?

How can you make a lifetime decision, when you don’t know what you will be like twenty or thirty years from now?


6. How are you going to find the right one?

In the pool of eligible people there are probably 25,000 who would fit your basic criteria as a spouse. How are you going to find the 1 “right one”? How could you possibly sort through all of the possible matches? How many can you meet and get to know him or her?

Conclusion: Some jobs are better off left to HASHEM.

HASHEM is the one Who knows your nature. HASHEM is the One Who knows your needs—not just now, but many years into the future. And HASHEM is the One Who chooses for you the right one.

Your job is to trust your Creator- to have chosen the one that is right for you.