86. Being Angry with HASHEM

Many times people will say things like I’m angry at Hashem. I can’t understand why Hashem did this. And as they say those words they’re a bit embarrassed and they feel terrible, how could I express that. While clearly they’re not on the highest level of bitachon (trust), it’s important to understand that what they’re doing is also an important exercise in growth.

The first step of bitachon is recognizing that Hashem runs the world. The first step in learning to trust Hashem is learning to see that Hashem is running my life. Now, obviously there are many more steps afterwards. Then I have to recognize that Hashem has a better picture of the world than I do, I have to recognize that Hashem wants my betterment more than I do and Hashem knows better than I what’s for my best.

But that first stage where I see Hashem befuddling my desires, Hashem stopping what I see to be the best, and my sense of anger is the first step in growth. I’m beginning to recognize, I’m beginning to see Hashem in the picture. The next step of growth is then stepping away and asking myself okay, do I really know for sure that this is for my best? Do I really know that this which is happening is really so bad? But the first step is seeing Hashem. And even if it means getting angry with Hashem, but then coming to the very important cognition that I don’t really know what’s for my best, and then I can train myself to actually see Hashem actively running my life, and then I can learn to trust Hashem’s judgment more than my own judgment.